A recent Facebook post by a close friend led me to an amazing family of 7 (her sister's family) who is in the early stages of adopting a 4 year old little boy named Steven. Steven is from an Eastern European country and has been diagnosed with Ataxic cerebral palsy. To follow this family's story, or to make a tax deductible donation directly to Steven's adoption costs (approx. $25,000), visit http://fiveplusonemore.blogspot.com/.
Steven is being adopted by this family through Reece's Rainbow Adoption Ministry. Reece's Rainbow focuses on the international adoption of children diagnosed with Downs Syndrome. For more information on Reece's Rainbow, or to donate to the adoption of one of the listed orphans, visit http://www.reecesrainbow.com.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Stories to Share
Well, it's National Adoption Awareness Month so what better time than now to get back to blogging. Over the past few months my husband has been on an intense job search, so thoughts/talk about adoption have been on the back burner. He will be starting his new job one week from today. We spent Thanksgiving with family last week, and boy do we have a lot to be thankful for! Here are a few happy adoption stories (each family adopting in a different way) from Parents.com to welcome the Christmas season...
Erin and John Anhalt: Open Adoption
The couple, who live in the Florida panhandle, had endured multiple miscarriages before choosing to adopt domestically. They completed the process through an agency and brought home their newborn girl. But four days later they received devastating news: The biological mother had decided to raise the child herself. The agency had warned the Anhalts that some birth moms change their mind after the baby has been placed. (In their case, the biological mother had delayed signing away her rights, which was probably a clue to her intentions.) But it was one more setback for the Anhalts. "You have this baby, in your home, in your arms. You think that she is your daughter," says Erin. "And then she isn't."
Fortunately, the Anhalts -- Erin, 28, worked in retail sales, and John, 29, is an officer in the Navy -- didn't have to grieve their loss for long. Within a month, the agency set up a meeting with a 24-year-old woman who was in her seventh month of pregnancy. The couple spent several weeks getting to know her and asking probing questions. "We wanted to make sure that no one was pressuring her to give up the baby and that she'd thought about the emotional impact of doing so," says Erin. "We felt confident that she had, and she chose us to be the adoptive parents."
Both women had good reasons for wanting an open adoption. The birth mother was an adoptee herself. And Erin had never met her father, who vanished soon after her mom became pregnant. Erin and the birth mom connected right away. She and John drove several hours to attend the birth mom's ob-gyn visits, and they joined her in the delivery room. But as Erin left the hospital with Alison in her arms, she felt strangely conflicted. "I was thrilled about having a baby," she says, "but I felt real sadness for the birth mom's loss, because we'd made a real connection."
Their friendship has blossomed during the last two years. Erin talks to the birth mom several times a week and shares every detail of Alison's life as a toddler. Each has met the other's extended family, and they exchange birthday and Christmas gifts. Still, the Anhalts stress that they aren't coparenting. "To Allie, Erin is 'Mommy.' Her birth mom is more like a member of our extended family," says John. Both sides are committed to making the dynamic work, for their child's sake. "Alison is a very happy kid," says Erin. "I'm grateful that she'll always know her adoption story and how much she is loved by her birth mom."
Gretchen and Justin McWhorter: Semi-Open Adoption
The Atlanta couple had tried to get pregnant for a year, then endured two years of failed fertility treatments. Finally, they decided to adopt domestically -- but not without reservations. Gretchen, 30, a publicist, and Justin, 32, an executive recruiter, worried that they might have a long wait and were intimidated about maintaining a relationship with the birth mother. "We had some concerns," says Gretchen. "Wouldn't it be confusing to the child?" And what if the birth mom decided to take the baby away from them?
Since most birth mothers insist on at least some contact, the McWhorters finally settled on "semi-open" adoption: They would agree to meet the birth mother beforehand and send periodic notes about their child's progress. A friend referred the couple to an adoption agency, which had them create a "profile," a book of photos and letters designed to show that they would make suitable parents ("It was like putting together a scrapbook of our lives," says Gretchen). A month later, they received word that a single woman in her early 20s, in her last trimester of pregnancy, wanted to speak to them. "I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing," says Gretchen. But the two women hit it off, and within two weeks the birth mom picked the couple to be the adoptive parents. It was an exceptionally fast agreement -- private domestic matches often take a year or longer.
The McWhorters met the birth mother for dinner shortly before her due date and were by her side when she went into labor. "I kept saying to her, 'Kick me out at any point. I don't have to be here.' But she wanted us to stay," says Gretchen. The birth mom had Justin cut the cord, then invited Gretchen to give baby Elizabeth her first bottle. She let the newborn spend her first night with the couple (who stayed in an adjacent hospital room) and signed away her rights the next day. "Everyone was crying when we left," Gretchen recalls, "except the baby."
But it wasn't really a goodbye. Gretchen sends e-mails and photos of Elizabeth (who's now 11 months old) every week. And having read research that shows adopted children do better when they learn about their birth parents, she isn't ruling out the possibility of inviting the birth mom to visit them one day. "I believe it's in Elizabeth's best interest for us to be more open," Gretchen says. "And that's what matters most."
Erna Naert and Edward Hiar: Foster Care Adoption
By the time the Lynwood, Washington, couple decided they wanted a child, Erna was nearly 41, so adoption was the most logical option. They heard through relatives about a pregnant teenager who planned to give up her baby. After meeting her and her parents, a match was made. But the teen decided to raise the child by herself. Deeply disappointed, the couple -- Erna, now 45, a technology consultant, and Edward, 40, a development director at a software firm -- chose to adopt through foster care. This route offered several benefits: a relatively short waiting period (placement often occurs within months), lower costs ($2,500 or less), and state adoption subsidies (these vary depending on the special needs of the child). But it's not for everyone. Most foster-care kids are school-age, and some carry the emotional scars of having been neglected or abused by their parents. Erna and Edward weren't scared off. "It's no different from what some children in orphanages overseas have been through," says Erna. "And at least you get a detailed history of the child."
Soon after completing their paperwork last summer, the couple received a call about Christian, a 4-year-old boy whose mother was a drug addict and whose father was in prison. They were told that Christian exhibited "defiant behaviors." But they were drawn to him. "He was playing with the other kids at his temporary foster home, but then he'd run back to sit beside us and show us a toy," says Edward. "He seemed like a normal, sweet kid." When they returned a week later to bring Christian home, they met his 8-year-old half sister, Kai. "It was supposed to be their goodbye visit," says Erna. "But after watching the two play and laugh together, Ed said, 'You know they will be separated forever.' And I said, 'I know. What do you think?' He said, 'We should adopt Kai.' And I said, 'Sure,' and that was it."
Erna and Edward have been stabilizing forces in their kids' lives. Kai was recently diagnosed with a visual processing disorder, so they hired tutors and helped her do eye exercises to correct the problem. Now she's reading at grade level. Christian acts out a lot less than he did in his old home. At 5 he's already an avid reader. "Being a parent is the most important thing I will ever do," says Erna. "There's a simple joy in seeing our kids sleep peacefully in their beds -- because I know the chaos they lived in before."
Laurie and Travis Good: International Adoption
The Denver couple always wanted to raise a child from Vietnam. Laurie, 28, a recent medical-school graduate, and Travis, 29, a medical-school student, had traveled extensively in the country and felt drawn to its people and culture. But they knew that internationally adopted children can be at risk for physical and psychological problems, so they hoped to have a biological child first. "We thought we'd be better equipped to deal with the potential challenges once we had some experience as parents," says Laurie.
But after having trouble conceiving, they accelerated their adoption plans and received a referral for a boy within six months (the wait for a girl from Vietnam was 18 months or longer). Upon arriving at the orphanage in the town of Vung Tau, they were ushered into a room where a worker thrust 5-month-old Jackson into Laurie's arms, then showed the couple the door. "They basically tossed us the baby and said, 'Good luck,'" says Laurie. "We didn't know anything about his feeding schedule, his naps, his needs."
The first few months were tough because Jackson had serious attachment issues. He wouldn't make eye contact, arched his back to avoid hugs, and wailed inconsolably. Bedtime was a two-hour ordeal: He'd pull at his hair and scratch his skin before finally going to sleep. The couple consulted a social worker to ease the transition, and gradually Jackson's behavior improved. Within a year the Goods were ready to adopt a second child. And then they got the news that Laurie was pregnant. "Until I heard the heartbeat, I didn't really believe it," says Travis. But they moved ahead with their second adoption, returning to Vietnam last December to meet 6-month-old Shane. He was affectionate right away. The Goods spent four hours playing with him and felt ready to take him home.
Only they couldn't. Because of diplomatic conflicts, the Good family stayed in Vietnam for seven weeks waiting for approval. "I would never have asked for this delay," says Laurie, "but in the end it gave us all time to bond with Shane." Soon after returning to the States they had another family addition: Finley, their daughter, was born in March. While the boys are still getting used to sharing attention with their baby sister, the Goods are starting to feel settled. "The biggest thing is making one-on-one time so each child feels special," Laurie says. "It's a lot of work, but we're happy with the family we've built."
Erin and John Anhalt: Open Adoption
The couple, who live in the Florida panhandle, had endured multiple miscarriages before choosing to adopt domestically. They completed the process through an agency and brought home their newborn girl. But four days later they received devastating news: The biological mother had decided to raise the child herself. The agency had warned the Anhalts that some birth moms change their mind after the baby has been placed. (In their case, the biological mother had delayed signing away her rights, which was probably a clue to her intentions.) But it was one more setback for the Anhalts. "You have this baby, in your home, in your arms. You think that she is your daughter," says Erin. "And then she isn't."
Fortunately, the Anhalts -- Erin, 28, worked in retail sales, and John, 29, is an officer in the Navy -- didn't have to grieve their loss for long. Within a month, the agency set up a meeting with a 24-year-old woman who was in her seventh month of pregnancy. The couple spent several weeks getting to know her and asking probing questions. "We wanted to make sure that no one was pressuring her to give up the baby and that she'd thought about the emotional impact of doing so," says Erin. "We felt confident that she had, and she chose us to be the adoptive parents."
Both women had good reasons for wanting an open adoption. The birth mother was an adoptee herself. And Erin had never met her father, who vanished soon after her mom became pregnant. Erin and the birth mom connected right away. She and John drove several hours to attend the birth mom's ob-gyn visits, and they joined her in the delivery room. But as Erin left the hospital with Alison in her arms, she felt strangely conflicted. "I was thrilled about having a baby," she says, "but I felt real sadness for the birth mom's loss, because we'd made a real connection."
Their friendship has blossomed during the last two years. Erin talks to the birth mom several times a week and shares every detail of Alison's life as a toddler. Each has met the other's extended family, and they exchange birthday and Christmas gifts. Still, the Anhalts stress that they aren't coparenting. "To Allie, Erin is 'Mommy.' Her birth mom is more like a member of our extended family," says John. Both sides are committed to making the dynamic work, for their child's sake. "Alison is a very happy kid," says Erin. "I'm grateful that she'll always know her adoption story and how much she is loved by her birth mom."
Gretchen and Justin McWhorter: Semi-Open Adoption
The Atlanta couple had tried to get pregnant for a year, then endured two years of failed fertility treatments. Finally, they decided to adopt domestically -- but not without reservations. Gretchen, 30, a publicist, and Justin, 32, an executive recruiter, worried that they might have a long wait and were intimidated about maintaining a relationship with the birth mother. "We had some concerns," says Gretchen. "Wouldn't it be confusing to the child?" And what if the birth mom decided to take the baby away from them?
Since most birth mothers insist on at least some contact, the McWhorters finally settled on "semi-open" adoption: They would agree to meet the birth mother beforehand and send periodic notes about their child's progress. A friend referred the couple to an adoption agency, which had them create a "profile," a book of photos and letters designed to show that they would make suitable parents ("It was like putting together a scrapbook of our lives," says Gretchen). A month later, they received word that a single woman in her early 20s, in her last trimester of pregnancy, wanted to speak to them. "I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing," says Gretchen. But the two women hit it off, and within two weeks the birth mom picked the couple to be the adoptive parents. It was an exceptionally fast agreement -- private domestic matches often take a year or longer.
The McWhorters met the birth mother for dinner shortly before her due date and were by her side when she went into labor. "I kept saying to her, 'Kick me out at any point. I don't have to be here.' But she wanted us to stay," says Gretchen. The birth mom had Justin cut the cord, then invited Gretchen to give baby Elizabeth her first bottle. She let the newborn spend her first night with the couple (who stayed in an adjacent hospital room) and signed away her rights the next day. "Everyone was crying when we left," Gretchen recalls, "except the baby."
But it wasn't really a goodbye. Gretchen sends e-mails and photos of Elizabeth (who's now 11 months old) every week. And having read research that shows adopted children do better when they learn about their birth parents, she isn't ruling out the possibility of inviting the birth mom to visit them one day. "I believe it's in Elizabeth's best interest for us to be more open," Gretchen says. "And that's what matters most."
Erna Naert and Edward Hiar: Foster Care Adoption
By the time the Lynwood, Washington, couple decided they wanted a child, Erna was nearly 41, so adoption was the most logical option. They heard through relatives about a pregnant teenager who planned to give up her baby. After meeting her and her parents, a match was made. But the teen decided to raise the child by herself. Deeply disappointed, the couple -- Erna, now 45, a technology consultant, and Edward, 40, a development director at a software firm -- chose to adopt through foster care. This route offered several benefits: a relatively short waiting period (placement often occurs within months), lower costs ($2,500 or less), and state adoption subsidies (these vary depending on the special needs of the child). But it's not for everyone. Most foster-care kids are school-age, and some carry the emotional scars of having been neglected or abused by their parents. Erna and Edward weren't scared off. "It's no different from what some children in orphanages overseas have been through," says Erna. "And at least you get a detailed history of the child."
Soon after completing their paperwork last summer, the couple received a call about Christian, a 4-year-old boy whose mother was a drug addict and whose father was in prison. They were told that Christian exhibited "defiant behaviors." But they were drawn to him. "He was playing with the other kids at his temporary foster home, but then he'd run back to sit beside us and show us a toy," says Edward. "He seemed like a normal, sweet kid." When they returned a week later to bring Christian home, they met his 8-year-old half sister, Kai. "It was supposed to be their goodbye visit," says Erna. "But after watching the two play and laugh together, Ed said, 'You know they will be separated forever.' And I said, 'I know. What do you think?' He said, 'We should adopt Kai.' And I said, 'Sure,' and that was it."
Erna and Edward have been stabilizing forces in their kids' lives. Kai was recently diagnosed with a visual processing disorder, so they hired tutors and helped her do eye exercises to correct the problem. Now she's reading at grade level. Christian acts out a lot less than he did in his old home. At 5 he's already an avid reader. "Being a parent is the most important thing I will ever do," says Erna. "There's a simple joy in seeing our kids sleep peacefully in their beds -- because I know the chaos they lived in before."
Laurie and Travis Good: International Adoption
The Denver couple always wanted to raise a child from Vietnam. Laurie, 28, a recent medical-school graduate, and Travis, 29, a medical-school student, had traveled extensively in the country and felt drawn to its people and culture. But they knew that internationally adopted children can be at risk for physical and psychological problems, so they hoped to have a biological child first. "We thought we'd be better equipped to deal with the potential challenges once we had some experience as parents," says Laurie.
But after having trouble conceiving, they accelerated their adoption plans and received a referral for a boy within six months (the wait for a girl from Vietnam was 18 months or longer). Upon arriving at the orphanage in the town of Vung Tau, they were ushered into a room where a worker thrust 5-month-old Jackson into Laurie's arms, then showed the couple the door. "They basically tossed us the baby and said, 'Good luck,'" says Laurie. "We didn't know anything about his feeding schedule, his naps, his needs."
The first few months were tough because Jackson had serious attachment issues. He wouldn't make eye contact, arched his back to avoid hugs, and wailed inconsolably. Bedtime was a two-hour ordeal: He'd pull at his hair and scratch his skin before finally going to sleep. The couple consulted a social worker to ease the transition, and gradually Jackson's behavior improved. Within a year the Goods were ready to adopt a second child. And then they got the news that Laurie was pregnant. "Until I heard the heartbeat, I didn't really believe it," says Travis. But they moved ahead with their second adoption, returning to Vietnam last December to meet 6-month-old Shane. He was affectionate right away. The Goods spent four hours playing with him and felt ready to take him home.
Only they couldn't. Because of diplomatic conflicts, the Good family stayed in Vietnam for seven weeks waiting for approval. "I would never have asked for this delay," says Laurie, "but in the end it gave us all time to bond with Shane." Soon after returning to the States they had another family addition: Finley, their daughter, was born in March. While the boys are still getting used to sharing attention with their baby sister, the Goods are starting to feel settled. "The biggest thing is making one-on-one time so each child feels special," Laurie says. "It's a lot of work, but we're happy with the family we've built."
Saturday, August 4, 2012
I'm Having Their Baby
A new reality television show recently aired on Oxygen titled "I'm Having Their Baby." I was pretty skeptical at first since I don't really care for reality t.v., other than a couple of the competitive ones on Food Network and a few on the main networks such as Who Do You Think You Are? (geneology), Secret Millionare, etc., but I have been pleasantly surprised.
Each episode presents two different birth moms who have decided to place their unborn children up for adoption. The episode follows the birth moms (and sometimes the selected adoptive parents) through the roller coaster that is adoption--birth moms changing their minds after the baby is born but before the paperwork is signed, family disagreeing with the birth mom's choice to place the child for adoption, birth moms changing their minds on who they want to adopt their child, etc.
The hard, raw emotions that are presented each week are somewhat tough to watch, but it is amazing to experience the process alongside the involved parties. Also explored a bit is open adoption. All of the stories I have seen so far have involved some level of openness since the birth moms chose the adoptive families; however, the level of openness following the adoption, while not explored too much on the show, seems to vary. When I first heard about any type of ongoing contact between a birth mom and the adoptive family, I will admit that it didn't seem like something I would want to do, but watching these girls (and sometimes women) making the hardest decisions of their lives has opened my eyes a bit to the fact that it's not just about the adoptive parents and the adopted child, but also about the lifelong impact on the birth mom.
Whether or not adoption may be in your family's future, this show is definitely worth checking out.
Each episode presents two different birth moms who have decided to place their unborn children up for adoption. The episode follows the birth moms (and sometimes the selected adoptive parents) through the roller coaster that is adoption--birth moms changing their minds after the baby is born but before the paperwork is signed, family disagreeing with the birth mom's choice to place the child for adoption, birth moms changing their minds on who they want to adopt their child, etc.
The hard, raw emotions that are presented each week are somewhat tough to watch, but it is amazing to experience the process alongside the involved parties. Also explored a bit is open adoption. All of the stories I have seen so far have involved some level of openness since the birth moms chose the adoptive families; however, the level of openness following the adoption, while not explored too much on the show, seems to vary. When I first heard about any type of ongoing contact between a birth mom and the adoptive family, I will admit that it didn't seem like something I would want to do, but watching these girls (and sometimes women) making the hardest decisions of their lives has opened my eyes a bit to the fact that it's not just about the adoptive parents and the adopted child, but also about the lifelong impact on the birth mom.
Whether or not adoption may be in your family's future, this show is definitely worth checking out.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Openness in Adoption
I recently read a report about openness in adoption. The study, published by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, presented the findings from a survey of 100 infant adoption programs in the U.S. regarding their practices around openness in adoption. The first thing to know (which I didn't) is that adoptions fall somewhere on a spectrum, from completely closed (i.e., no contact between birth and adoptive parents and little if any knowledge of the parties about each other) to completely open (i.e., ongoing contact among those involved, including the child). Mediated adoptions fall somewhere in between the two.
Research shows that most private adoptions of infants in the U.S. involve some level of openness. This does not come as a surprise to me at all because the only adoptions that do not fall into this category would be adoptions where the birth parent either does not assist at all or has very little input in placing the child and may not know much, if anything, about the adoptive parents. A study from 2009 reports that there is continuing contact between adopted children and their birth relatives in about two-thirds of families who adopt privately.
Birth parents, who hold all of the cards in a private infant adoption, get to call the shots to some degree. This issue may or may not affect our family, depending on what type of adoption we end up pursuing (adopting through foster care situations happens when parental rights are terminated through the judicial system while international adoptees tend to come from orphanages and the birth parents are not in the picture anymore for one reason or another).
My main priority would be the adopted child and whether contact (at some level) is beneficial to the child or not. I believe birth parents and adoptive parents have to put the child's best interest, and not their own, first. Not being adopted myself, I don't know how I would feel. My guess is that each adopted child is different. I imagine that some children have lingering questions but aren't too concerned about their birth parents while others need the information to come to terms with their own adoption. At a minimum I think I would want to be able to give my adopted child (at an appropriate age of course) information, pictures, letters, etc. from their birth parent(s) should they want that information at some point in life. I also don't think I would have a problem sending occasional pictures and updates to the birth parent(s), with the adoption agency acting as an intermediary. Beyond that, I honestly don't know. Since we are only in the beginning stages of this process, we do not know yet if this question will be one that has to be answered, but it's definitely something that I felt warranted some discussion, whether it ends up affecting our family personally or not.
To read more, you can find the full report located at http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publications/2012_03_OpennessInAdoption_ExecSum.pdf
Research shows that most private adoptions of infants in the U.S. involve some level of openness. This does not come as a surprise to me at all because the only adoptions that do not fall into this category would be adoptions where the birth parent either does not assist at all or has very little input in placing the child and may not know much, if anything, about the adoptive parents. A study from 2009 reports that there is continuing contact between adopted children and their birth relatives in about two-thirds of families who adopt privately.
Birth parents, who hold all of the cards in a private infant adoption, get to call the shots to some degree. This issue may or may not affect our family, depending on what type of adoption we end up pursuing (adopting through foster care situations happens when parental rights are terminated through the judicial system while international adoptees tend to come from orphanages and the birth parents are not in the picture anymore for one reason or another).
My main priority would be the adopted child and whether contact (at some level) is beneficial to the child or not. I believe birth parents and adoptive parents have to put the child's best interest, and not their own, first. Not being adopted myself, I don't know how I would feel. My guess is that each adopted child is different. I imagine that some children have lingering questions but aren't too concerned about their birth parents while others need the information to come to terms with their own adoption. At a minimum I think I would want to be able to give my adopted child (at an appropriate age of course) information, pictures, letters, etc. from their birth parent(s) should they want that information at some point in life. I also don't think I would have a problem sending occasional pictures and updates to the birth parent(s), with the adoption agency acting as an intermediary. Beyond that, I honestly don't know. Since we are only in the beginning stages of this process, we do not know yet if this question will be one that has to be answered, but it's definitely something that I felt warranted some discussion, whether it ends up affecting our family personally or not.
To read more, you can find the full report located at http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publications/2012_03_OpennessInAdoption_ExecSum.pdf
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Self-Assessment
I recently came across an adoption self-assessment quiz. It reminded me a lot of something my husband and I completed during our premarital counseling. Taking an assessment separately and then comparing the answers is not about hoping that you will each put down the same answers but more about giving a couple a starting point for discussions. We are still in the very beginning of this adoption journey, and we are going to each have to put in lots of time and energy in order to reflect on the following questions before we will be ready to come together and begin any discussions.
1.Why do you want to adopt?
2.On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, how badly do you want to adopt?
3.Who is the driver of wanting this adoption? Will this cause conflict?
4.Will this driver/driven dynamic cause conflict in your relationship?
5.What age child would you prefer to adopt?
6.How firm are you on the age selected above?
7.What disabilities would you be willing to consider in an adoptive child?
8.What racial heritages would you be willing to consider in an adoptive child?
9.Which gender would you prefer in your child?
10.Would you consider twins?
11.Do you feel you are stable in your relationship as a couple without having children?
12.Which friends and family members would you want to tell about your adoption plans? Which would be supportive and which would not?
13.What level of openness are you willing to consider with birthparents?
14.Would you be willing to comply with specific birth family requests regarding child rearing (such as religious instruction, name or schooling)?
15. Where would you be willing to go to adopt?
16.How much time will you take off work during and after the adoption?
17.How much money would you be willing to spend on an adoption?
18.How much economic hardship would that cause?
19.When and how do you feel children should be told they're adopted?
20.Would you support/assist your child if he/she wanted to find, contact or have a relationship with his/her birthparents?
21.Many adoptive parents have 'dry runs' before they actually adopt. How would you handle an adoption that matched with you but did not end up placing?
22. Will you or your spouse change your workload outside the home after the adoption?
23.What do you feel you could contribute to a child?
24.What aspects of childrearing are so important to you that you would find it difficult to compromise (such as discipline, religion, schooling, stay-at-home parenting, etc.)?
25.Are you ready to love an adopted child as much as one you gave birth to biologically?
26.Would you prefer to continue with infertility treatment before seriously pursuing adoption? If so, why?
27.Deep down do you feel like you are being forced to adopt if you want to have children, adoption as a means to build a family is "second best," or that adoption is your "last resort" if you want to be able to have children?
28.What is the ideal adoption situation for you?
29.Ideally, how many children would you like?
30.How long are you willing to wait to adopt?
As you can see, deciding to adopt is only the tip of the iceberg. Stay tuned for more as we make our way through this complex process.
1.Why do you want to adopt?
2.On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, how badly do you want to adopt?
3.Who is the driver of wanting this adoption? Will this cause conflict?
4.Will this driver/driven dynamic cause conflict in your relationship?
5.What age child would you prefer to adopt?
6.How firm are you on the age selected above?
7.What disabilities would you be willing to consider in an adoptive child?
8.What racial heritages would you be willing to consider in an adoptive child?
9.Which gender would you prefer in your child?
10.Would you consider twins?
11.Do you feel you are stable in your relationship as a couple without having children?
12.Which friends and family members would you want to tell about your adoption plans? Which would be supportive and which would not?
13.What level of openness are you willing to consider with birthparents?
14.Would you be willing to comply with specific birth family requests regarding child rearing (such as religious instruction, name or schooling)?
15. Where would you be willing to go to adopt?
16.How much time will you take off work during and after the adoption?
17.How much money would you be willing to spend on an adoption?
18.How much economic hardship would that cause?
19.When and how do you feel children should be told they're adopted?
20.Would you support/assist your child if he/she wanted to find, contact or have a relationship with his/her birthparents?
21.Many adoptive parents have 'dry runs' before they actually adopt. How would you handle an adoption that matched with you but did not end up placing?
22. Will you or your spouse change your workload outside the home after the adoption?
23.What do you feel you could contribute to a child?
24.What aspects of childrearing are so important to you that you would find it difficult to compromise (such as discipline, religion, schooling, stay-at-home parenting, etc.)?
25.Are you ready to love an adopted child as much as one you gave birth to biologically?
26.Would you prefer to continue with infertility treatment before seriously pursuing adoption? If so, why?
27.Deep down do you feel like you are being forced to adopt if you want to have children, adoption as a means to build a family is "second best," or that adoption is your "last resort" if you want to be able to have children?
28.What is the ideal adoption situation for you?
29.Ideally, how many children would you like?
30.How long are you willing to wait to adopt?
As you can see, deciding to adopt is only the tip of the iceberg. Stay tuned for more as we make our way through this complex process.
Friday, January 13, 2012
The Top Ten Myths About Adoption
1. There are no babies, especially American babies.
Of the 100,000 or so adoptions that take place in the United States every year, about 25,000 are of American newborns.
2. Children adopted from abroad are all disabled or disturbed.
The vast majority of international adoptees are healthy, happy children.
3. Adoption takes years (unless you're a celebrity).
Most of our families brought their children home within two years of submitting their paperwork--for many, the process takes less than one year.
4. Adoption costs hundreds of thousands of dollars.
The average cost of an adoption, before grants and reimbursements, is about the same as the price of a midsized car. It is possible to complete an adoption for a few hundred dollars.
5. Only perfect couples can adopt.
Whether you are gay, straight, single, married, divorced, disabled, rich, poor, professional, unemployed, retired, aged twenty-one or sixty, a pillar of the community or a person with a slightly spotty past, you can adopt a child.
6. Adopted children are "stolen" from their birth families.
Laws in America have multiple safeguards to ensure that a birth mother cannot be coerced or bribed into placing her child for adoption. Some international adoptions have involved bribes, deceit, or downright theft, but there are plenty of adoption agencies that can guide families to absolutely ethical international adoptions.
7. All birth mothers are unstable teenagers.
Most birth mothers are women in their twenties making a well-thought-out choice to give their child a better life than they themselves can provide.
8. Birth parents can come back and take your child.
Once an adoption has been finalized in court, the child is as much yours as if you had given birth.
9. All adoptees are troubled.
Recent long-term studies of adoptees in America show that they are no different in self-esteem and attachment to family from children raised by their biological parents.
10. Adoption always ends in tears.
After thirty years of working with adoptive families, we can promise you that most adoptions end in joy, triumph, and love.
- excerpted from You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Families Guide by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley
Of the 100,000 or so adoptions that take place in the United States every year, about 25,000 are of American newborns.
2. Children adopted from abroad are all disabled or disturbed.
The vast majority of international adoptees are healthy, happy children.
3. Adoption takes years (unless you're a celebrity).
Most of our families brought their children home within two years of submitting their paperwork--for many, the process takes less than one year.
4. Adoption costs hundreds of thousands of dollars.
The average cost of an adoption, before grants and reimbursements, is about the same as the price of a midsized car. It is possible to complete an adoption for a few hundred dollars.
5. Only perfect couples can adopt.
Whether you are gay, straight, single, married, divorced, disabled, rich, poor, professional, unemployed, retired, aged twenty-one or sixty, a pillar of the community or a person with a slightly spotty past, you can adopt a child.
6. Adopted children are "stolen" from their birth families.
Laws in America have multiple safeguards to ensure that a birth mother cannot be coerced or bribed into placing her child for adoption. Some international adoptions have involved bribes, deceit, or downright theft, but there are plenty of adoption agencies that can guide families to absolutely ethical international adoptions.
7. All birth mothers are unstable teenagers.
Most birth mothers are women in their twenties making a well-thought-out choice to give their child a better life than they themselves can provide.
8. Birth parents can come back and take your child.
Once an adoption has been finalized in court, the child is as much yours as if you had given birth.
9. All adoptees are troubled.
Recent long-term studies of adoptees in America show that they are no different in self-esteem and attachment to family from children raised by their biological parents.
10. Adoption always ends in tears.
After thirty years of working with adoptive families, we can promise you that most adoptions end in joy, triumph, and love.
- excerpted from You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Families Guide by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley
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